Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The sleep lottery

Explanation: I wrote this post a couple months ago, in the middle of much sleep deprivation, and then forgot about it. I came upon the draft of it today, and decided to post it as a prelude to my next post.

I am not a fan of the lottery. I have never bought a ticket, unless you count the trick ones. You know, "You have won $10,000!" but the fine print includes redeeming the ticket within 30 second. Those are fun to give as gifts.

Being the miserly person that I am, I refuse to participate in a contest where the odds are 1:3,000,000 or some such. (I do look forward to the day that the Publisher's Clearing House folks knock on the door!)

While I knew becoming a mother would change my sleeping habits, I didn't count on feeling like I am entering a different lottery, the sleep lottery, every night. Each night I put Sophia in her bed and pray with her that she will have a good night's sleep.

Really, deep down inside I am praying that I get a good night's sleep, and that I will win the jackpot and get to sleep all night long.

I know that Sophia wakes more than some and less than some, and my family thinks I am blessed to have a baby that sleeps as well as she does. I was spoiled when she actually did sleep thru the night for three weeks when she was 2 1/2 months old. I know the day is coming in a couple of months that theoretically she might actually be sleeping thru the night. I realize all of this.

Ultimately though, none of this head knowledge keeps me from hoping, night after night, that tonight I win. Tonight I will beat the 1:3,000,000 odds, and my 7 month old baby will sleep thru the night. I will put her down at 6 p.m., and she will wake at 7 a.m. With no wakings in the night! What would be even better?

If I could sleep thru the night too, and not wake up wondering if she is still breathing because she didn't wake at 11 and 3. Because at this point, I'm pretty sure if she actually does sleep thru the night, I will be left lying awake staring at the ceiling waiting for morning to come when I will know she is okay.

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